- I’m encouraging you to Judge Less. Judging is SUCH a habit, but like any habit, can be broken or changed, and can be used for good.
- What kind of example are you setting for your family when you release judgement onto other people (especially negative judgement!)
- It’s a constant work in progress to be less judgmental and to be more kind.
- Trying to justify judgement is probably a defense mechanism (and that’s ok) but ask your self why.
Links & Currently Reading
Currently reading The Whisper Man by Alex North.
**This is a direct transcription of the podcast and is not meant to read perfectly.
Hi everybody, welcome to another episode of Better with Daffnee, it’s me Daffnee surprise, surprise. I hope everyone is doing well I’m recording this a midst another huge spike in COVID cases especially here in Florida, lots of you know social unrest right now, there’s just things are weird to be just really blunt about it and things are really challenging I think for more than one group of people I think personally right now I’m feeling like I have a lot of work to do personally but also feeling a little helpless. I think I feel a lot of anger about what is happening, what people are getting away with and frustration with people who still don’t seem to quite understand that there’s an issue at all and so while this particular episode is not going to dive into all those things just yet. it will come soon I just want to let everybody know that it’s you know you’re not alone if you’re feeling any of those things which you probably know and that I encourage you now more than ever to self-care when you need it. It’s okay to turn off social media. It’s okay to not participate in the conversation all the time every day because if you’re not you know in your best place possible then it’s hard to be there for other people and for your peers and for your friends and people who needed a swell so I am wishing you guys just positivity and love as much you can right now.
So today I am talking about judgment and it’s funny because I’ll be really honest with you guys the way that I come up with the topics for my podcast is not really quite that strategic it’s really when I feel kind of amped up or really passionate about something in the moment I’m like this is a podcast like this is something that I really want to talk about and so I was kind of waiting for those moments and I’ve learned to identify when they’re here and here we are and so I realized you know I think that judgment is something that is normal and human and natural and I think we all do it we think even the people who are the kindest and most compassionate still judge and I do think that that’s normal and healthy and okay we’re humans and I think we tend to look at what other people are doing I think comparison is somewhat normal and healthy and I think what I’m kind of getting out to is just is really – I think it’s the kind of judgment that doesn’t necessarily you know fall in the realm of like some of its natural healthy I think I’m talking about judgment that actually does bring harm to people and not just other people but ourselves on and I’ll also purposes with a gun I’m not you know I’m not better than anybody else and I still have a lot of I think habits that are healthy when it comes to judgment. I think I used to be a lot worse and I’ve worked on trying to be a little bit better about it and you know I’m just wanting to dive into kind of why we do it and more importantly I think what can we do to be a little bit less judgmental and you know maybe make our judgment a little bit more productive and I think this does come speak to the bigger conversation right now and I think you know we tend to judge people when we are uncomfortable with something or when something is unfamiliar to us or when it really screws from an insecurity within ourselves which again I think it is normal but we can take out and use it to make ourselves a little bit better and I think we can do it to make other people feel better too because I’d argue that while everybody probably gets judged at some point or another there’s probably groups of people who do certain things say certain things wear certain things look a certain way that tend to get judged more and you know I think that’s shitty to be honest I think it’s unfair.
I think those things don’t make them a bad person by any means so I think if we can all kind of look at why we pass judgment and how we vocalize it and how we process it and internalize it then we all can work on making this place that we live in a little bit kinder and I think that’s still important and I want to start with kind of a story about a moment that I had just one of my ah ha moments about when I realized that I was really just being super judgmental and it felt so picky when I realized that I was doing it and I think importantly that it was such a habit for me which I think it might be for a lot of us like it was so second nature to just pass judgment like you know and say this out loud and say that out loud and also I don’t know if you guys do this but I realize that I would like almost like preface it or soften it with something like well it’s not a big deal but or you know that looks good on some people but or I mean I would never personally wear that you know don’t need like those kinds of like qualifying statements and I just realized that it was like hell it’s just stop doing that It’s just negative. It’s negative because first of all I’m sure that person doesn’t give a shit about what I think about that so I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell the world about it and also why am I commenting on something like that when it’s quite obviously negative trying to be masked in something positive instead of commenting on something positive about that person to begin with you know or taking that thing that I want to judge and making it a positive thing you know I admire that they would wear that because I am not brave enough to I mean that’s really what that sentence means.
So I want to share a story about when I had kind of my ha ah moment so I was pregnant actually and I think that’s definitely part of why this came up so I was pregnant and I was watching an awards show I don’t know what it was it could have been the Country Music Awards It could have been the Grammys I don’t know It was one of those my husband and I was watched them somebody came on the stage but I also don’t remember who it is not relevant and I remember just saying to myself like I didn’t think that what she was wearing looked good on her like I didn’t think it was very becoming right and I said something like Oh like man whoever designed that or whoever styled her like makes like she’s looked better it before and I remember saying it out loud and I just like all of a sudden it just clicked and I was like that does mean that isn’t mean girl thing to say like she probably feels fabulous and who cares if I don’t like it and I think importantly and you know again I feel like sometimes this all comes office like okay like it’s not a big deal we’re normal we can say these things but is that kind of the essence of how we become better people is acknowledging that even the things that we think are so minimal actually can hurt other people and so I just realized like what I say that to her if she was standing in front of me like what I say that to her if I was speaking to her and what if someone said that about my daughter like that someone’s daughter that is someone’s spouse that is someone’s best friend and I just call of a sudden it just kind of came rushing into me and I was like I don’t like that I just said that you know and I don’t I don’t want to say those things anymore and I just you know being pregnant also I think this is partly why I realize this but I was like I have to set an example you know for the person that I’m going to bring into this world and not just an example of around what to say but also what I’m doing right because I can just tell my daughter don’t do that don’t do this but she’s not going to listen to that as much as she’s going toe watch what I am actually doing.
And my mom used to say this to me all the time it’s do as I do not as I say and then I just realized too especially being pregnant with a girl which this is totally double standard and unfair and I know that because I’m also groomed around this but I just I don’t want her to hear me judging and commenting on people’s appearances and the way they speak in the way they look and their behaviors you know if it’s negative or could be hurtful because she’s going to learn to do that and she’s also going to start looking at her own behaviors and questioning if people like me would one day say those things about her and so it all just kind of came full circle really quickly from me you know I don’t want to do that I don’t want to leave that example and I don’t want to be hurtful I don’t want to put those negative things out into the world because I can guarantee that a million other people watching probably said the same thing now people probably said the opposite is well they probably said that she looks so beautiful and I realized that it just for me in that situation wasn’t about insecurity it wasn’t so much that I was insecure that if I were that I would look better that I don’t like the way that I look it was it was just such a major habit to just look at people interest passed judgment and I think we tried to excuse these behaviors a lot as well.
We try to say things like well I mean they’re famous they’re you know they’re display themselves for the whole world like that’s fine but it doesn’t make it okay you know I mean that doesn’t make it okay to do or say just because these people have chosen a certain career or a certain interest and that’s really just a cop out you know and I’m not allowed to use that as an excuse so I sent my husband you know I said I don’t think it’s good that we do that you know I think if we have something positive to say that’s great I think if we have something that’s not so positive to say I don’t think we should say it out loud and I also think that we should ask ourselves why we’re saying that you know why does it matter if I think her dress is ugly you know it doesn’t matter what you know I think more profound is acknowledging that why I’m I don’t think it’s beautiful. She’s very confident in that and that’s great good for her and so the point of my story going is not just that like I’m only look at me I’ve decided to be a better person and not judge people cause I still do it but I feel like if we all stopped fast ourselves like why are we -why do we say these things, why do we pass those judgments, we realize that in a lot of situations were actually not trying to be mean or hurtful but maybe are being mean or hurtful and also in some situations are potentially you know uncomfortable with the things that we’re not used to but that is so important because it affects all the parts of our lives and you know I think in many situations you know I’ve also found myself this is just another kind of silly example like if I’m at a party or a social gathering and I see a girl who’s kind of acting like more outrageous than I am but maybe she had more to drink than me really she’s dancing crazy or maybe you know whatever that looks like and it’s like I instantly and like and I think it’s also kind of spreads contagious where it’s like I say something and then my girlfriends like yeah that’s crazy like what comes she’s acting or well someone’s thirsty for attention you know just all those types of comments that I know you guys know what I’m talking about and it’s like why, who cares if she cares like personal doesn’t affect my life in any way shape or form and secondly perhaps that’s actually just who she is like perhaps that is just how she is as a human being and she’s just being her and in fact I should be profoundly jealous of that that I you know and not acting maybe the way that I want to act just in all of my like natural ways and who I really want to be I mean maybe that’s the case, maybe that’s why I’m commenting is because I wish I could be so openly made.
And maybe my insecurity holds him back from doing that and so I’m just trying to dig deep into why we do this like why do we pass these judgments and you know I think something else that we don’t always think about It’s like even making such an innocent statement like that dress doesn’t look good on her for somebody on TV that will never even make in our lives right I think we don’t realize that these things are actually contagious like there is such a thing is like kind of a sense of community around these things where if I start saying something people around me will also feel more comfortable and saying these things and it goes both ways so if I start saying something positive people around you’re going to start saying something positive and I think we don’t always realize like how powerful that that is and whether you have children and I and I do have a one year old who I know who knows what I’m saying. She understands me she’s picking up on things already and I’m -why would I want to show her that I could say something negative and spread that negativity I don’t you know I don’t want to show her that I want to show her that if I say something positive about people that you know other people will also say something positive and that is really powerful and I think that you know in some situations and again this is probably not a very black and white situation but where it’s a kind of a new jerk reaction that doesn’t look good on her or oh she’s speaking you know publicly and sounds very you know she’s not good at that’s not really her saying.
And I think in other situations they are rooted in our owns insecurities I mean I think being unfamiliar with something is directly and insecurity I think when I see somebody doing something that I have never seen or heard of it instantly makes me kind of like what is that I don’t understand like what is that and I think this is really true for a lot of cultural things whether it’s food or the way a specific culture people dress or what they worship or you know how they raise their children and I you know I think it’s so easy to get caught up in the things that we think we’re normal and pass judgment on other people’s lifestyles and choices because it’s unfamiliar to us and it’s channeling them to be compassionate to things that we don’t know anything about and I think this where this all kind of comes full circle for us right so I don’t know or understand something I’ve never seen it It’s confusing to me, it’s unfamiliar to me. I can’t empathize with it, I can’t understand it looked like I can’t support it so I think I have to make a comment about it and I just kind of played all this through in my head and I’m like I think that that is the essence of what makes us separate and distant from other people who are probably really good people just like ourselves and I think if we all internalize that a little bit better and maybe worked on it a little bit at a time I think we would be better off I really do I think we would not put walls up around people who we think are not like us and I think that we would be not so quick to pass judgment and you know I think social media and just the internet and journal makes it so easy for us to just blurt things out like it’s kind of a safe place for people that just say mean things and pass judgment and it’s really harmful and it’s damaging and I think that for the sake of our own wellbeing and the generations to come whether they’re your own children are not.
I really think that we have a duty, a really intense and serious duty, to change the landscape of how we pass judgment on other people and so I guess this leads us to the question of, how do we change it you know and I think we covered it a little bit already. I think we have to stop and ask ourselves you know why we’re saying the things that were saying and I think this is a little bit you know challenging but I think before were quick to blurt something out I think we need to stop and ask ourselves inside our heads what effect would this have on somebody, somebody who it’s about somebody who hears it the people who might chime in and start to begin partaking in that dialogue and I think that we underestimate how powerful you know that voice is you know I think we underestimate the fact that if we choose to change the dialogue or choose to change the tone we can you know we’re hardwired only in so many ways and I think that we’re able to change something and how we look at something for the better and I think about this too in my groups of friends and my groups of you know in my family as well I’m okay with being the person that chooses to not partake in that dialogue. I’m okay with being the one person who disagrees it makes me feel a little bit empowered you know as long as it’s within reason in terms of I’m not doing it just to be different but I’m doing it because I actually believe it’s the right thing to say and do and so I started thinking about like what happens when I’m in these social situations and there is something being said that I think is mean or hurtful or negative and something I don’t want to participate in and I feel like I were thought it for women when I realized like well I could just say when I really think about it you know and um it’s happened before I mean it’s happened in terms of this whole dialog around social unrest.
It’s happened with politics for sure it’s happened just with this latest you know commentary from anybody in my family or my friends circle and it’s like I can choose to just say like Oh I don’t know I think that they’re just doing them you know it’s also I come back to this whole thing like I don’t want overthink it like I think I’m just coming back to the fact that I don’t know why they do the things they do because I’m not them and I have never walked in anyone shoes but I am so if I see somebody wearing some crazy shit I don’t need to comment on it because I don’t know where that whole story started for them you know I don’t know if they you know I just don’t know where they bullied and this is where they’ve ended up now and they feel that they’re just doing them and it makes them happy are they doing it because they are dealing with some of their own insecurities that I don’t know and it’s not my place to pass some kind of negative judgment on them for it you know and so I feel like the responses and the dialogue that I’ve engaged in now is very much about yeah I don’t know what you know I think that they’re just doing what makes them happy you know and also finding the beauty and the good and something when I might have originally not seen it to begin with and I think that’s also really powerful as an example watching an awards show and saying something you know a long lines off you know I think that dress I mean she pulls it off I mean she I could never wear that. It’s not that I wouldn’t wear it. I’m not brave enough. I don’t feel like I would look good in something like that. It’s not you know for also and trying to avoid making it all about yourself but I think when you bring it back to why you are doing something that makes it easier to understand you know how we can change it for the better but you know just making it a positive comment amid something that you would maybe not say something positive room to begin with and I don’t know another good example of this is we’re actually watching another awards show and we were actually coming to find somebody that my husband and I both really life you know she had gained quite a bit of weight and it was I think a parent and you know people on social media were commenting on it and we commented on it and I just again felt so yucky and I just said you have no idea what she’s going through, did she have a child recently, is she having health issues, is she having mental health issues we just don’t know and it’s I can’t imagine how hard it is to just be constantly scrutinized you know when I just said to my husband and we can’t do this anymore you know we can’t make comments as if we know better than somebody about their own wellbeing or about why they are debate something you know instead we have to say something compassionate.
We’re saying nothing at all you don’t always have to comment either something I’m still learning you don’t know we have to say something about everything deaf still working on that one but just choosing to not participate in the commentary even though it might even be something that’s just like I just feel so impulsive commenting on this thing and it’s like I don’t you know rather than saying like Oh she’s getting a lot of weight I mean that’s just not nice look man you know maybe she’s going through something and I hope she figures it out and I hope she feels better or nothing at all about it right like nothing like she’s saying this shit out of that song good for her like I love that song. It’s just I think if we just stop you know just being so caught up in the things that are like these major reactions and these things that are so you know feel so easy to comment on and that’s the easy way out I should just say these things because they feel like they’re in our faces because it’s not positive it’s not and I’m sure people will hear this and just say like a sign of the deal will never hear it you know what kind of said that earlier but it doesn’t matter it does matter because those types of habits carry through to other parts of our lives and if we think that we could just compartmentalize and say well I’ll say these negative things about people who will never meet but in person and in real life I’ll be positive we’re totally joking ourselves.
Okay, it matters that we practice these things all the time, it matters that we choose to be positive and lift other people up everywhere because we’re not going to be able to just turn that button on and off these are habits that begin to take over it’s what makes up who we are. We are either positive uplifting people who try to be better or we are going to let these passive aggressive negative judgmental comments soak in and take over and we’re not even going to realize that it’s more so you know I just felt compelled to share these thoughts about judgment and again that I have to work on it every single day and that I care about working on it because I care about how people see me in terms of feeling like they can connect with me or that I can support them or lift them up and I think something else that I always come back to and now it’s kind of made this habit is really that I just don’t know what other people are going through should I don’t even know what I’m going through right now. Okay so I can’t the second I want to pass judgment especially if it’s almost easier to pass judgment which I think is a really good point.
We often times feel like when someone does something that is just blatantly outrageous whether and maybe it is negative right like in some situations people act negatively or terribly and so we’re like that is awful and terrible and this is I think the next layer about this where it’s easy to be like well that person’s just racist or that person is sexist or that person is just mean and you know what maybe their behavior does show that right now and so you know it’s hard to not do not comment on it but something that I will also learn recently actually thanks to their because is just stopping and asking yourself why we think that they’re doing that you know just the same way we’re asking ourselves why we would pass judgment, why were they doing that, why are they saying that and I think what we’ll find most of the time is that there is a lot of deep rooted like hurt and wound and trauma and things that have affected that person and brought them to where they are and I don’t think it’s our job to necessarily try and fix everybody but I think it actually benefits us more to be more compassionate or lead with compassion instead of bashing people and again I am guilty of this I mean in fact if you follow me at all we’re friends with me on Facebook I have such little tolerance for ignorance and racism. It’s just you know to me if you’re not anti racist than your racist and I just don’t want anything to do with you but sometimes things aren’t that black and white and sometimes people’s experiences have led them to a place where I just can’t relate to it you know I haven’t been there I probably never will be there and so it’s very easy for me because I am so emotionally charged about it to just put them in this box and leave them there.
And maybe sometimes that works and maybe sometimes we need to do that for ourselves but I do really strongly believe that if we can change the dialogue for ourselves we can probably change the dialog for other people and if we can choose to lead with trying to be understanding and compassion and trying to better understand why people say and do the things that they do that threaten us and threaten our peers and our friends and our family then we’re more likely to stimulate a change that’s meaningful and long lasting and impactful and I think that’s really what the whole just premise and summation of all of this is right is that if we choose to lead with those things then we actually are more likely to impact and changed for the positive and that’s really it right so maybe out of every 10 efforts I only make one positive change or influence to positive outcomes of a situation. I still think that’s better than nothing and think about everybody doing something like that I mean we’re talking about a lot of change we’re talking about taking a lot of negativity and turning it into something positive and something we can learn from so as a wrap up now that I just you know shared all of these that’s my judgment with you and kind of word vomited up you guys about it I would encourage you guys to stop and ask yourselves when you start to pass that judgment, how it affects people, how it affects the person who’s going to receive it, how it affects the people around you who are going to hear it, and how it affects you after you say it you know after you put that out into the world and also probably an obvious but I’ll just say it anyways you know would you want someone saying those things about you, would you want someone to pass judgment about you when they don’t really know you when they don’t really understand you, when you don’t have an experience of things that you’ve experienced and would you want someone to pass judgment on your child or your family or your best friend and I think for most of us the answer is no because that’s hurtful and so together I think day by day and a little bit at a time we can and should and will start to ask ourselves why we’re saying these things and ask ourselves how we can just do a little bit better is the goal here so thanks for listening guys, stay tuned for the next episode, and let’s be less judgmental is just better, let’s just do that, let’s just not the assholes, let’s all be nice to each other, thanks and talk to you soon.