- What happens when you spend time trying to accommodate other people? You end up taking away from working on your true self. Don’t do that…
- The fact is, it is the most impossible task to have everyone like you. You may as well start catering to yourself!
- Learn how people not liking you for something usually means you’re doing something right, even if it’s as basic as being your authentic self.
Links & Currently Reading (these are anything I mention in the show)
(A creepy one. So goood though)
**This is a direct transcription of the podcast and is not meant to read perfectly.
Guess what? Everyone doesn’t like you? No one will always be liked by everybody. You’re welcome. Okay, so hi. Hi welcome.
I am actually really excited about this because it is something that I have grappled with my entire life and based on my conversations with some of my friends. I think it’s actually more common than we think AKA. I really enjoy when I’ve discovered something that I think affects a lot of people when I get to talk about it here because feeling that you’re not alone and feeling connected to other people is really important, especially if it’s something that affects our emotional well-being so I’m happy to talk about it here. So I’ve always been a people pleaser my entire life.
I have vivid memories of being like tiny and Elementary School and trying to please teachers and classmates and my whole life. I feel like I’ve always just kind of seeking approval from my mom and my siblings and I mean, it’s just it’s exhausting. I mean, that’s the I guess bottom line is it’s literally the most tiring thing ever to try and please everybody because it is physically impossible and it’s actually taken me up until the last couple of years to really wrap my head around the fact that not
Everybody is going to like me and that it’s okay that I will literally live fact. I can live a really awesome happy nice life, even if people don’t like me and guess what? They don’t people don’t like me. Oh my gosh. I know it’s out it hurts. But but also kind of it doesn’t so I think that one of the things that I realized recently was that
You know, I’m all about hard work. Right? Like I definitely consider myself to be a hustler. I always have been I’m really proud of that. I think that one of the best characteristics that anybody in the world can have is just being unafraid of hard work because I just think that that’s something that it just teaches you so much right and and I don’t want to confuse that with like just constantly burning yourself out because there is such thing as working smarter. I believe that too. So it’s not about bending over backwards to just constantly be exhausted, but I do
Also believe in hard work. So, you know, I think I’m the kind of person that if you tell me that I can accomplish something or achieve something by working hard. I’m that’s a challenge and I’m going to crush it and no one’s going to beat me because that’s just who I am as a person and it’s in anything. It’s in work into my personal life. It’s in CrossFit. It’s anything I just that’s how I am and it’s fun for me. Right and I think the thing that’s rewarding and I think that makes it fun is that if you tell me that I can achieve X Y or Z by working hard and I work hard and I achieve
X Y or Z than I’ve done it right like I did the thing. I think what I’ve learned and what I’ve realized in this is super super super important. Is that no matter what you do? No matter how hard you try no matter what you say. Where do talk think share read. It doesn’t matter. You still will not get everyone to like you so you can work as hard as you humanly possibly can and it even with all of that even with all that hard work. You still won’t actually cheat it right like you won’t achieve the fact that everybody likes.
You or wants to be around you or agrees with you or wants anything to do with you? So that’s really for me. It was kind of like an aha moment where I was like, oh wait so I can put in all this effort and it still isn’t going to happen for me or anyone right? Like that’s not just me. And so all of a sudden I was like, okay. Well then that’s not a good use of my hard work. You know, I don’t want to put in the time to do that because it doesn’t make sense. So I started kind of digging apart and I have a really good example of this that I’m going to share with you, but I started kind of did
Part why we feel this way. Like why does it feel nice to be liked? Why do we care if people don’t like us, you know when you might not necessarily and I would say this is probably me as well and I didn’t like go to sleep every night like counting the people who liked me and not liked me but I could definitely just feel in certain situations where like if I heard something or if I felt something or something was said or done it bothered me, you know, it wasn’t like I was like, okay like moving on now, it bothered me and I realized it was just because I cared that people like me.
I write and I and I genuinely believe I’m a good person. I really do what I think most of us probably think that and have really great things to offer. And so when people don’t like you or agree with you, you almost want to say like wait a minute though, but I’m a good person. Like, do you know me? Do you understand what I’m saying? You know, it’s almost like it’s really different than mechanism. Right? Like we want to like explain ourselves or we want to maybe try to get them to see it. But I think what happens is in like trying to get someone to see what you want them to see about you.
Out it kind of Just Happening is that you start to sacrifice who you really are and you start to not really be authentic and you start to kind of try too hard and all of a sudden you’re in this like hamster wheel like trying to understand why people don’t like you and change something so that they do like you and that I think is the thing that just makes no sense and is very exhausting and you will burn out and you will just be disappointed because no matter what you do. It’s never going to happen. Right? So I’ve thought about personally why I care and like why it like
something that comes up for me and I it’s definitely an insecurity. I mean, I’ll be the first person to put that out there. I mean, I haven’t Securities like I I do think I’m a good person. Like I want people to understand that like, maybe my political beliefs come from a place of like genuinely wanting people to like have a good quality of life. Right? Like that’s just me, right my personally, that’s for me. I want people to know that I care about their feelings. I want people to know that I work hard in some regards of my life because I think it will benefit them in a good way. Like I want people to accept me because I think I’m
Give acceptance, right? So there’s so many reasons why I think I mean at least for myself I think about these things and it’s definitely applicable I think too personal and professional, you know tracks here. I mean, I think that there’s more than one piece of this and you know, I think that’s something else that I come back to is some of my own experiences about you know, or some of the things that have happened to me that have made me realize that I actually won do care a lot and also have helped me care a little bit less and so really good example of this is Zumba. So I you guys do I teach Zumba I’ve been teaching for I don’t even know.
Probably like five or six years now, like actively teaching, you know, multiple times a week and I have been at this one gym for a long time. And you know, I worked really hard to make a good routine and make a good class and like understand what people want from a Zumba class. And you know, I think that’s obviously something different cause that’s the literal job. And you know, that’s part of my job is to put on a good class and that’s fine and everybody likes a different kind of Zumba class and different music and different routines and you know, whatever that’s normal, but I in the last
Or so I’ve heard different people say different things about me or my class or me as an instructor or me as a person and there were some instances where something was said about me and it was you know, it made me laugh a little bit because I was like a I mean, I don’t even know this person’s name and they’re like making these judgments about me and it was like, yeah, obviously I got defensive. I mean I was like that’s stupid. They don’t know me. They don’t know anything about me. In fact, I would argue that most people who take my class don’t really know me on a personal level, which is no one’s fault, right, but I was a
Offended because I felt like they were in a position to make a judgment about my personality when they don’t know me personally, so it bothered me though. I mean, I’ll tell you a father man thought about it a lot and I was like, who is this person and I was kind of uncomfortable when I saw them again because and long story short is here’s the Gossip Girl and me but I they had said something about me to one of the other people that works at the gym and that person is my friend and told me so that’s how I found out about it. And you know, I just kind of felt I don’t know it felt yucky and I was thinking about it and a definitely part of me was insecure.
And you know and then I think maybe a couple weeks later. I heard another thing right and it was like, oh, yeah, you know we do so many squats and this is sound so ridiculous. I’m sure if you don’t take Zumba, but anyways, this is my life, you know, Daphne did so many squats in our Zumba class and like, you know knee injuries and it hurts and I was very annoying to me, you know, and I was like, oh my god do I do too many squats like so many people tell me how much they love that we do squats because it’s still a fitness class. Right? And I’m like all of a sudden like, oh my God.
How can I accommodate them in this person? You know, how do I how do I make it all work how to make everybody happy and it like really bothered me and I was like, you know, I do too many and you know, it’s just it started kind of taken over and I was like again no matter what I do like whatever. However I try to approach this or problem solve this like it doesn’t matter. Someone’s not going to be happy. It’s inevitable. Right? Like it’s just that’s just how like this all goes. It’s like somebody’s going to have something to say about it. And the truth is like what I realized is it doesn’t matter like even if all the
Who hated squats stopped coming other people who like squats would continue to come and new people would come who like squats right? Like I think I just came back to like it’s okay because it doesn’t take away from who I am as a person if somebody finds something they don’t like about me or something that I do that they don’t like I’m still definitely like, I’m still me. I’m still a good person. I’m still trying hard and that’s really all I can do like at the end of the day. The only thing I can do in all aspects of my life every single day no matter what until I die is
My best like I can’t do anything. Other than that and hopefully my best is enough. Right and I would like to think that usually it is but it but sometimes it won’t be and sometimes some people are not going to like it and they’re going to say things that you know in all fairness. Maybe they’re not even trying to be hurtful. Maybe they’re not trying to be gossipy. I don’t know, you know, that’s not for me to even figure out but but it definitely hurts my feelings, right? So I just think that if we all can remember right that that whatever it is that you do.
You know that some people are going to like it and appreciate it. Some people aren’t and that it doesn’t actually take away from who you are as a person. I think we’d be a lot happier and it would be a lot less stressed out and we would feel a lot more comfortable in our skin and I definitely can say this to I mean, like even you know, I’ve been invited to for example during covid time that like just invited to like a party or something where I really didn’t know anybody but maybe the host and super intimidating like I am a people person and I’m good at socializing but I also feel comfortable in my own group of people.
And you know, I think something like that is like I definitely am like reading cues and like thing. You know, how are people approaching me or talking to me and like how are they receiving what I’m saying? Because I want to be accepted right which I think is a normal human thing. But you know at the end of the day once again, it doesn’t even matter. If it’s new people that you’re meeting for the first time or people that you’ve known your entire life. And I mean, I would think this is especially common in you know in families, right? So I used to worry so much about what my family thought about me and it was exhausting because that was very clear that
I did what I did it, you know that everyone’s still gonna have an opinion my family’s very opinionated. So I just realized like at the end of the day I come back to and I know I’ve said this in other episodes before but like I come back to this if I wake up every day and really genuinely tried to be honest and kind to myself and other people that’s all that matters. Like that’s again. I’m doing my best and I’m trying hard and I’m working hard and I’m being kind like that is really all that matters and I could be freaking Mother Teresa and some people would still
Don’t like it. Right so it’s just it is refreshing to think about it that way and I would encourage you guys to do that as well. And you know this I also have felt this one hundred percent in my work like in you know, running my business and dealing with clients and dealing with other people that work with my clients and you know, even with my own team like I want them to like me, right? I’m a leader. I want them to trust me. I want them to confide in me. I want them to feel like they can come to me and you know, I do worry about that and I think about that, but I also know that at the end of the day as long as I’m doing my best it’s either going to be enough for them or it won’t be and you know, that’s that’s how you build your team. Right? Like you find your people you find the people that it does work for you find people in your life that it is enough for and that should always be enough and that might mean that you have five really good friends and it might mean you have 20 really good friends and there’s no right or wrong answer and I think something else that I come back to that is super important. And this was a previous podcast episode actually as well is just the idea that like the more I work on myself.
The better person I become the better of a person I become and the more I’m working on myself the less time and bandwidth. I have to worry about how other people are going to view me because I know that I am literally busy at work on myself, right? So the idea of watering your own grass and tending to your own lawn is so important because the more I do that, right so every day and I wake up when I wake up. I’m working hard on my business. I’m being there for my family. I’m you know doing
Whatever charity I can do. I’m checking in on my good friends. I’m checking on my family like the more I’m kind of working on the things that matter to me the less. I have time or room in my brain to think about like did this person like this about me did I say the wrong thing, you know, and and here’s the thing sometimes I definitely say and do things that are not the right thing. There is right and wrong in the world, right and and probably because I’m emotionally charged because I didn’t think before I spoke and blah blah blah, but you know, I’m allowed and we all are allowed. We’re allowed to make mistakes are allowed.
to say things that you know, maybe weren’t the best choice of words, but at the end of the day overall if we can look at ourselves in the mirror and say I’m working on myself professionally and personally and I feel proud of who I am and the work I’m putting in and some people are going to gravitate towards that and some people won’t and it’s okay and you know, I am working on this all the time still because I definitely still have moments especially when I’m just interacting with other people where I’m like like is this something, you know are people going to be super turned off by this and you know, I mean,
Then during the I mean, it’s still I mean it’s never going to go away. But even you know at the height of I think the black lives matter movement, I mean I posted constantly, you know on my Instagram and she’s sharing really really intellectual pieces of information and schools of thought that I thought were unique and beneficial for people to hear and read and I lost a lot of followers on my Instagram and I was like, I don’t get whatever like this is my best. This is me at my best is like standing up for what I think is right.
Right, and I’m never going to apologize for that and I think that’s something else that we all need to really kind of own right which is if you are being a good person in the world that is your best and some people are not going to like that because they have their own insecurities and also because maybe they can’t relate to it. Right. So again, that’s not your problem to solve and I would argue that ultimately the people who don’t align with you on those things or the people who maybe feel threatened by you or don’t want to support you. They’re not going to make you better. Anyway, at least not right now because I
I believe that everybody can change and everybody can continue to grow into a better person but that person isn’t for you right now and it could be anybody it could be a friend. It could be a mean it could be your boyfriend could be your girlfriend. It could be anything. I mean, it could be your family member your sister your mom. It could be anybody but I think at the end of the day if you realize that, you know timing really is everything and as long as everybody’s kind of working on themselves and working on being a better person. Hopefully you guys can come back together at some point, right, but if not if that’s not right.
Now that’s okay. Like it’s not the end of the world and you are working on building your own positive life and and empire and foundation and that’s that’s that’s what matters that’s what you have to do because you can’t worry about what everybody else is going to think about what you’re saying, right or what you’re thinking are the work that you choose to do or the school you choose to not go to or you know, the person you choose to marry or the kids you decide to not have right and and it’s hard right because we do we find acceptance.
We find comfort in knowing that people support us and and love us for what we’re doing. And so when it doesn’t happen, it feels really uncomfortable. And and I would argue this to that, you know at some point good things happen outside of your comfort zone. So if being true to yourself means that some people don’t like you and that makes you uncomfortable. I would argue that that’s actually making you a better person and kudos to you because it is hard. It’s hard to be authentic especially in the age of social media and guys just everything I mean social media is not even all of it, right?
It’s like everything we watch and see and hear and read and it’s like how do we even know what we’re really supposed to be doing that’s like true to ourselves. It’s very challenging. But I do think that if it feels right, it feels positive if it feels like it makes you happy if it feels fulfilling then that’s that’s true. And that’s what you should be focusing on and that’s what you should be doing. And again, some people are going to really like that and some people won’t and everybody that doesn’t isn’t a bad person and everybody that doesn’t might like you later might you guys might come together at a later time, and that’s great and
And it all should just be enough for you. And I think that that is really powerful and that’s really kind of the whole premise of the idea that not Everyone likes you and it’s okay to so I’m also going to continue to work on not caring if someone doesn’t like my Zumba routine, which is really important to me. Okay. I spend a lot of time on those anyways, so here’s to being better. Here’s to focusing on liking yourself and the people who are going to like you they’ll come I promise.