- Why do we do things we don’t want to do?
- Where does the pressure come from to do the “right” things? Sometimes these things are so not true to our authentic selves.
- How can we really differentiate between the things we feel we are SUPPOSED to do, and the things that we really want to do or are passionate about?
- I’m not talking about eating well, exercising, practicing self-care, and working hard. Those are non-negotiables for me. We’re adults. Lock it up.
- I mean things like taking a job we feel we are supposed to want, wearing things we feel is the “cool thing”, staying in toxic friendship and relationships because we feel obligated, and those really impactful things that affect us all.
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**This is a direct transcription of the podcast and is not meant to read perfectly.
Have you ever done something that you deep down really didn’t want to do but almost felt like you were supposed to want to do it or that you needed to do it. Maybe make somebody else happy or you felt bad about saying no and not doing it. And so you ended up doing it but really you were just kind of miserable because you didn’t want to do it to begin with so I’m talking about doing the things that we don’t want to do and doing the things that we do want to do because we’re grown-ass adults and that’s just what we should be doing. I’m laughing because it sounds so obvious but I think I literally know every single person in my life is doing things right now. They don’t necessarily want to do and it’s because we believe that we have to do a lot of things to make other people happy and because it’s the right thing to do, so I want to talk about that and I actually wrote an article about this that was published on the Huffington.
Post and it was one of my favorite articles that I ever wrote because it just for me personally was like really really raw. Oh my God, this is so me. And I can honestly I really can say now this is years later that I am so much better about this and I’m so much happier for it and so much less stressed and we’re going to we’re going to dive into it. So I think the first thing I want to give you is just a couple of examples of what I mean.
I mean, I don’t mean that you are like sitting on the couch watching Netflix and you ran out of pizza rolls when we really want more pizza rolls and then you’re like, oh, I don’t want to get up and get them and then you get up and get them because you want to wear pizza rolls mean that although that’s quite quite a dilemma. I’m talking more about things both in our personal life and your professional life that
We feel is the right thing to do because maybe those people in our lives have made us believe that or because maybe Society tells us we’re supposed to want to do it. So a few examples like I have a few of my own obviously some personal examples. So, you know, there’s times when my family has like a family dinner or gathering and I don’t want to go like for whatever reason it might be that I’m tired because I work a lot and I’m raising a baby.
Be because it’s farther than I want to drive because I have other plans. I would rather be doing like there’s a few reasons why I don’t want to go but because it’s my family and because I feel like that’s how my family is. Anyways, like I felt I just felt like I should go and if I didn’t go it was going to be a big deal and like it people are going to make me feel bad about it. And so I would go and like I didn’t want to you know, and I think another example would probably be
At least professionally speaking like on my end would be like if a client asks me to do something and kind of makes me feel like I should just do it. Although I know it’s very well not in the scope of my work and that I should be charging more for it. But I just kind of feel like I should do it because they’re my client and that would be the nice thing to do and I like have this whole internal conversation about it and I end up doing it and it takes me a lot of time and I’m not getting paid more for it and I’m kind of bitter about it and it’s just a whole like chain of events, right? I think another really good example is
When we feel like we have to do things because like this is like the way that we are supposed to structure our lives. So what I mean by that is like let’s say you’re in a relationship with somebody and you’re really happy with him and people are always asking you about when you’re getting married or when you’re going to have kids but that’s not something you want to do and your partner agrees. It’s like this thing where it’s like it’s coming at you and your kind of feeling like am I supposed to do that? I don’t really want to do that. Do I have to explain myself? Like I feel like we get caught up in
Things that you know, our society has told us we’re supposed to want to do and so that’s a really good example. I think another example is the idea that like everybody should go to college and get like, you know this good job and you know work really hard and you know, I don’t want to bash that because I did that I literally did that and I think education is extremely extremely important like I want my kids to go to school. I do I want them to go to school. I think even if they decide that they’re not going to use it.
Everything they learn I no one will ever convince me that more knowledge is worse than less knowledge. So there’s that. So yeah, I do I think obviously that school needs to be more affordable and attainable for everybody a hundred percent. So let’s not get those two things confused. I did not come from a background of privilege. So I worked full time to put myself through school and I paid for it, you know, I mean student loans are no joke, but I felt like that was part of what I was supposed to do and I will
Say that maybe at moments while I was there. I didn’t know that I necessarily wanted to be there as much as I felt I should want to be there. I will say now as an adult looking back. And now that I’ve paid off my student loans. I loved my education and I really feel like I use it every single day. So I for me personally that was something that I am glad I did although I can say in the moment. I felt like it was just the right thing to do. I felt like the world was looking at me to do that. I felt like all my friends are doing it.
Sounds like we’re talking about drugs. I’m talking about like applying for college but in high school, I remember really vividly, you know, all my friends sitting in their applications and taking the SAT and it was just such a big deal and it was almost like I was just kind of getting swept up into this like dustpan of everybody else and it was there’s no question because that was just what I was supposed to do. So again, I don’t necessarily know that I was like so passionate on my own accord going to do that. But you know, it’s not like everybody in my family went to college. So again happy that I didn’t want to dilute that point but also, you know,
I think that’s that’s just a good example of the things that we believe we’re supposed to want to do. So that’s really kind of the essence of what I’m talking about at this point. And I think what happens is again, it’s very challenging to unlearn some of the things that we’re taught and I think sometimes we confuse those things with our moral compass or our foundation or upbringing and these things that we think make us who we are but in all reality, they’re just these things that are learned that can be unlearned if they benefit us and I think we should think about
what those things look like and how we can unlearn them to benefit ourselves and you know, raise better people. I do also want to add again. I think there’s a difference between doing hard things and like challenging ourselves and thinking outside of the box and being uncomfortable sometimes and taking risks and doing things that we don’t want to do sometimes are extremely beneficial. And in fact, I would attribute my business and how we have grown to meet kind of looking at the things. I don’t want to deal with and really dealing with them and I think I’ve always come out.
Stronger bigger and better afterwards afterwards for it, but I’m not talking about things that add value to your life. So that’s really like the differentiating thing here. So doing things you don’t want to do that. Don’t add value versus doing things. You don’t want to do that duet value. So when I see an email from a client who is not happy with me and they’re upset and they want explanations and they want to have a phone call and they wanted to borrow money and just the hard conversations that will let people tell me when I have I know that when I do that it’s going to
Be better afterwards, right? Like I’m going to fix things and I’m going to I’m going to get to a good place and we’re going to have resolution and I’m going to be proud that I had that difficult conversation because no one has taught me how to have that difficult conversation. I’ve had to figure it out on my own accord and so for that I’m really proud and I’m definitely better after the fact right now. Let’s say, you know unkind of an alternate example that someone tells me I absolutely should put my daughter in daycare because
It’s good for her and socialization and she needs to build the Permian system and blah blah blah blah blah which might sound like a silly example, but you would be shocked at the opinions people have about things that have nothing to do with them and I don’t want to because I just guess what I just don’t fucking want to and it’s my kid and I get to whatever the fuck I want. Right and my husband died to so anyway with all that being said like people still kind of pressure you and then and then what happens is even though I’m very confident in my skills as a parent and a person I still of course are thinking about it and like well, should I be doing this and should be doing that? Am I doing this the right way?
Is there a better way you know, it kind of starts to take over and the thing is at the end of the day. Will there be benefits to putting Rollin in daycare? I’m sure she’ll make more kids and she will, you know, probably develop quicker and all these things that are gree and that’s fine. But the bottom line is that my life is not going to be more enhanced because I chose to give into doing something I didn’t really want to do in that moment that somebody else wanted me to do or that Society told me was a good thing to do right? And so that’s really kind of
It’s really kind of the foundation for it. And I think you could even peel this back further. Like I think this is a super layered thing because I think when you start to get into like family Dynamics and relationships and certain things that are more complicated. I’m you know, I’m aware that not everything is so black and white. I think it gets more complicated and I think when you get down into those like really weedy situations, I think the thing that makes us better and the thing that really allows us to live the life we want.
To live as when we have the power to still say no, even if it’s going to hurt someone’s feelings. Even if we’re going to make a decision that we know is good for us, but night might not be good for somebody else and that is really really really challenging and I’ll say that just on my myself, you know, there are certain people in my life that I should have a better relationship with maybe I should be closer to them. Maybe I should speak with them. Or maybe I should you know.
Them in person, or maybe I should go to dinner with them more regularly like I should because of who they are to me and my family and because that’s maybe the right thing to do, but I can tell you right now that it I would be miserable like I don’t want to there are I’ve I get to choose how I spend my time. I get to choose who I put my effort and energy into and if I don’t want to do that, I don’t have to do that and I would be I mean just thinking back to before I started making these types of decisions like I did sometimes right like I would go
spend time I would call I would do this I would do that and I just remember just dreading it like that yucky feeling in your stomach when you just have to do something that you really don’t want to do and you’re only doing it to benefit somebody else and it’s like wild to me because we think we have convinced ourselves that that’s like the right thing to do. But like what about our own sanity and like our own happiness and doing what we want to do like, I feel like at some point and maybe there’s compromise somewhere along the way that like at some point you have to say like if this is making me so
He’s out and so unhappy and miserable and I’m not I don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of it. Like I would rather say no and maybe hurt that person’s feelings and put myself through that but actually, you know, it’s hard to let other people down or at least feel like we are and it’s hard to put ourselves first Sometimes which is a little bit ironic because especially my generation Millennials we tend to have a reputation of being super self-centered and super selfish, which I totally called bullshit on I think that we’re actually
extremely empathetic and over feel and I think most cases that’s a good thing. I think in some situations it works against us, but I feel like it’s hard for us to let people down it’s hard for us to say no and we do tend to put people first because we think we’re supposed to but in all reality the world in general and everybody around you will like you and love you more for being true to yourself and for doing things that you actually want to do and doing things that actually make you happy and that’s a lesson that you can’t learn until you just start saying no.
Till you just start kind of declining those things that you don’t want to really do. So it’s definitely one of those things that I think is easier to just talk about than it is to just do it and I think it starts just with being cognitive. I mean, I think it really just starts with being aware of like what is
What is what is being asked of you? And like what you really want to do and how it affects you and your time and your well-being and your life and your happiness and your stress like if you know, I also feel like we tend to overthink these things sometimes where it’s like, you know, damn. Well, you don’t want to go to dinner with that person. Okay, you know that you don’t want to maybe you know go to this one workout class with your friend because you don’t you hate Zumba. Don’t go don’t do it. Don’t do it because you feel like you have to now do I
You should work out and be healthy duh, obviously, but find something that you like to do. So don’t get sucked into overthinking it like if it feels not right to you listen to yourself. I mean that’s like that whole gotten sick thing is like totally underplayed you, you know, I mean and I would argue to you that, you know, pretty instantly that there’s a lot of things in situations that you that you are not going to be comfortable in that you’re not going to feel good about afterwards and that you’re going to probably end up saying like I never want to do that again and
And those are the things that you really should say no to and those are the types of things. I’m really getting at where it’s like if you don’t if you don’t start doing the things that you want to do and you start, you know, stop doing things. You don’t want to do your you’re just going to waste a lot of time and you’re going to feel really stressed out and life is it goes by fast, you know those my really quickly and it’s too short to spend time doing things for other people that don’t bring any value to you in the way that you want it to and I would also just add
And I think if you are doing things with people for people and considering other people and it’s not genuine, I don’t actually feel like you’re doing them a service. I think when you are not being true to who you are no one benefits from that. So maybe it is a deeper conversation. Maybe it’s not just that you say no every time they invite you somewhere, but maybe you tell them why you know, I mean maybe there’s deeper stuff. They’re obviously you have to kind of work through that but
I would just argue that the more that you accept the things that you want and kind of turn away the things that you don’t want the more doors open for you to do that more easily. And so that that’s a good thing. You know, I think doing things that mean more happiness for you and that make you kind of more authentic to yourself you’re going to attract more things that you will want to do and you will want to say yes to and you will want to wear participated and so it’s going to kind of be a you know circular thing and I think that’s a great thing.
NG and that’s what you want more of and you want less of the yucky stuff. So yeah, so I hope this was helpful for you guys and I hope that you guys can start thinking about some of the things that you do that you don’t want to do and I hope you can stop doing them and don’t worry so much about hurting other people’s feelings or worrying about how the world around you might judge you for it. If it feels right and you are leading with kindness and compassion and not stepping all over other people. I mean, that’s always a good thing. So here is
is to doing more of what we want and less of what we don’t want.