- It’s important to know that any negative thoughts prompted by how other people treat you or what they say to you, has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
- Did you know that science has actually shown us that we cannot STOP negative thoughts from entering our mind? But we can turn them around and divert them. Aka, trying to stop them to begin with is a useless task.
- Sometimes, we worry about the negative consequences from our own failures. We need to come to terms with being ok with outcomes, as long as we try hard and are kind along the way. The journey matters too, sometimes more than the outcome.
Links & Currently Reading
Loved this book. Was such a great insight into how other cultures view child rearing. As any parent, once you become one, you find your path and what works for you (and own that shit). But I did love how they encouraged so much independence. It’s helped my marriage and made her a happy baby.
**This is a direct transcription of the podcast and is not meant to read perfectly.
Why do we think negative thoughts? It’s something I think about all the time, especially when I’m actually thinking negative thoughts and I think sometimes we probably don’t realize that we are perpetuating negativity. Whether it’s something that has to do with the situation. We are in whether it’s predicting the outcome of something or a really just kind of having a perspective on things around us or things that are happening to us. So I really want to.
Talk about this because I personally find myself battling with this all the time because I really do consider myself to be a mostly positive and optimistic person, but I’m human just like anybody else and when things get challenging or things don’t go my way which is all the time. I start to kind of think just snowball into you know, just negativity and just what you know, why is this happening? Is it happening to me is as you know it my destiny to just keep having bad things.
Happened to me and I think really it can apply to anything that can even be as simple as when I feel like my daughter is in a weird stage and you know having a lot of temper tantrums or when work isn’t going as smoothly as I want it to or when I feel not as connected to my husband as I want us to and you know, really I think can apply to anything and I’ve really tried to kind of break down why I think this happens like why we let our brains go there to begin with because I think understanding those things is a better approach than kind of putting a bandaid on it.
Really kind of a dressing like the underlying reasons why those things happen to us or where we feel that way and I think at least for myself the number one thing that I realize that I do is I feel like saying something out loud that might be negative or you know, not aiming as high as I normally would or, you know, even just kind of fluffing something up that is probably not that positive in that motivational or whatever.
That might look like the reason I do it is because I feel like I’m protecting myself. I feel like I’m safeguarding myself from failure from embarrassment. I feel like before anything happens. If I say out loud like, oh, well, it might not work out that way or I might not get this or she probably won’t behave if we go there or you know, I might get turned down or I might get rejected or whatever that might look like. I feel like I am making that potential outcome less painful if it happens to me, right? So if I say, I really want to test my mile run and see how far I can go but I probably won’t get it, you know, seven minutes or less and it’s because I feel like if I don’t do it in 7 minutes or less like well I said it right I said it out loud. I knew that going in, you know, I wasn’t being unrealistic. So in my mind before I run that mile, I feel like I’ve safeguarded myself from feeling like I let myself down or from feeling embarrassed that I didn’t get what I thought I could get.
It or whatever that looks like but I feel like the problem with that is probably really obvious. But when we say those things in an effort to protect ourselves the first and most important thing is that we actually are creating more opportunity for things to not go our way because there’s another science behind this and I encourage you guys to look this up because it’s really really fascinating. But if you say things out loud, you are more likely to believe them and the more likely you believe something to be true the more likely it is that you act on it in that way. So I mean ultimately you could reference The Law of Attraction as well. But really I mean if I say out loud that I’m not going to do something as good as I want it to or it will turn out as great as I want it to then I am going to start to believe that and I’m going to perform in a way that’s going to keep me at that level of mediocrity. Right? So it really is all self-perpetuating and I think it’s obviously easier said than done to say. Oh, well, I’ll just be positive all the time and I’m never going to let myself get down.
Down and I don’t think that’s realistic but I think that when we go into something trying to protect ourselves from failure, we’re actually setting ourselves up for failure in a really strong way. And that is a really really terrible habit that I I need to work on breaking and I would encourage you guys to also work on breaking and I think the other thing that I’ve realized is that it actually doesn’t make the blow any softer if I fail right so like it doesn’t actually make it any better if I fail I don’t feel better.
As I said it I just still feel stupid right feel still I still feel bad about it. If I didn’t do what I wanted to do or if things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to turn out. So I kind of feel like the big joke is really on us that we mentally think we can prepare ourselves and protect ourselves from something when in all reality we’re more likely to make it happen and then we still don’t feel better about it. So I think we start to move into this space of well now I’m going to take bigger risks and I’m going to really be vocal about the things that I want to accomplish the things that I want to see happen for me in my life.
And you know while we all know in the back of our heads is a chance that we might not fail. It might not happen. That way we can’t we can’t perpetuate it. You know, we can’t say that out loud. We can’t let our brains believe that that’s what’s going to happen. And that’s how things are going to turn out for us because then we will behave in that way, you know, whatever physical actions are required to accomplish something are instantly altered because your brain is telling your body something that you’ve already said you think is true. So
What I’m practicing now is when I start to go down that road or when I want when I’m tempted to do something like that I of course try and stop myself and really say the opposite, you know, well, I’m definitely gonna run that Mile in 7 minutes or less that’s not even hard. I can do that. I’ve been training whatever that looks like, right? And you know, I think that thing that I come back to as well because again, I’m human just like everybody else and I definitely feel intimidated by it. You know, I’m like, well what if I can’t I just kind of look at like the worst case scenario and it’s not just for running a mile it could be for really anything and I just kind of look at myself and say, you know, even even if this is this is honest truth like stepping outside of the situation like whatever the worst case scenario is like I know that I will always pick myself back up and keep moving forward. Like that’s something that I’ve worked on. My whole life is just being resilient as possible and it doesn’t actually matter if it doesn’t go my way like I still have something to learn from it and I still have an opportunity to improve and I’m not
Heard of hard work, so I’m not worried really if it doesn’t go my way. I’m okay. Like I don’t need to be embarrassed. I don’t need to feel like a failure. I don’t need to be disappointed in myself or other people because I know that I haven’t lost anything by not doing it the way that I wanted it to do it or the outcome not being what I wanted it to be. So I feel like I come back to the fact that I’ve already experienced a lot of hardship. Like I’ve endured a lot in my personal life and my professional life I have
Gone through a lot of stuff and I’ve always come out on the other side of it, you know, some things harder than others some things were, you know, lasted longer than others, but I’ve always come out on the other side of it. I still wake up every morning ready to crush the day. I still wake up with a husband that loves me with a daughter that loves me. I still wake up with a business that’s successful that I know I can keep working on. So at the end of the day all of these things that come at us and really I think push us to that place of wanting to preface our lives with well.
Might not work out. Well, if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. Well, I might not get what I need or what I want or oh, they’re not going to be like this person for me. You know, I think that it’s just again self-perpetuating and it’s not necessary, you know, we don’t have to go down that road because it’s not it’s not helping us. So I really try now when I start to feel those feelings creep in and I know you know what I’m talking about, right? They could be anything. It could be with work or financial stuff. That could be your partner when those feelings start to creep in. I really stop and say
No, I’m going to say the complete opposite even if I don’t necessarily believe it a hundred percent in that moment. I know that the more I say it the more habitual it is for me the more I will believe it, you know, and I sometimes I know I talk about this stuff and it’s stuff that I’m really passionate about and I really do feel has helped make me a better person and so many pieces of my life and sometimes it sounds a little like frou-frou right like okay if you stand in a bucket and your backyard and wave a broom around like you are going to
Are the spirits that are going to help you get what you want? Okay, don’t do that. I don’t do that. But my point is that as frou-frou as it sounds if you haven’t tried it, if you hadn’t really tried stopping your negativity and its tracks. If you haven’t really tried saying the positive things out loud and really believing in yourself and setting reminders for yourself about the things that you can’t accomplish and you’re not where you want to be. I encourage you to try something different because doing the same thing over and over again and
acting different results. We all know what that means. Right? So if you’re still finding yourself, you know feeling stressed and burdened by anything in your life and you’re feeling like you still want to be maybe a little further along than you are or you just want more, you know, more success more happiness. You want less stress, less anxiety, you know, you want to be healthier, you want to be happier. Like I encourage you to try something different, you know, and if it doesn’t work for you then that’s fine. And that’s fair but don’t knock it till you try it, right?
So to recap really I think that in order to gain and get all the great things in life that are here for us. We really have to lose something right. We have to lose the inconfidence. We have to lose being scared. We have to lose laziness. We have to lose negativity. We have to lose the things that are holding us back and really that’s just the pull and tug of the whole world. It’s like you got to let go of stuff to get other stuff. And in this case it’s a win-win let go of negativity just because you’ll feel better, but
Then letting stuff go is going to bring you the stuff that you really want and deserve which is hopefully better than what you have now. So I say all of that also, obviously with this like preface and this Foundation which is like you got to work your ass off and I just don’t condone laziness it all I think laziness is probably my biggest pet peeve because I’ve always just been a hustler and I’m always going to work my ass off because I know that that’s what sets me apart from so many people. So even with all of this being said and you know getting in a really good mental space and being really positive
The not letting your brain say and teach you these things that are negative that are holding you back. You still have to put the work in. I really do think things start to change and the great thing is that the more the more good things that happened to you the better you feel about at all which makes it a little bit easier right? Because it is challenging to take a negative situation or a stressful situation and say, okay. I’m just going to feel better about it. But if you can really stop and say these things and things start to change for you and also kind of a accounting for an appreciating
All victories and small wins. I mean, I think that’s huge that the more of those experiences that you have. Those really great feelings that you have because you achieve something and you saw something come your way the easier it is to keep doing it over and over again and this is really a habit. You know, it’s a mental habit. It’s a practice. It’s a routine. It’s doing it over and over and over again until you get really comfortable with it and it feels more second nature. And so, you know, I’ve really kind of been intentional about this at least starting this year in 2021. Just every single time I start to feel
Some sort of feeling I have a really good example of a sexually so sometimes I know we’ve all heard this we get the Sunday scary’s right? So it’s like, oh, it’s Sunday and had to go to work tomorrow. And you know, what’s the week going to be like it’s very stressful. I mean, I think a lot of our lives are so busy and they move so quickly and I used to like get that pretty frequently like him of the weekend’s over already and you know, it just is like why am I doing this myself? First of all, I’m ruining my Sunday because it’s still the weekend and I could still have a great day. But also, I think I just what am I preparing myself?
What am I doing? I am literally setting myself for Stress and Anxiety if I’m already feeling it today for tomorrow, and it’s just silly and it’s also because I love my job and I love what I do. So I don’t think it’s really unfair to myself in so many ways, but I started now instead of doing that. I started really thinking about the things that I love about my job and that and again, I didn’t necessarily I’ll say those transparently like didn’t instantly start feeling better instantly start believing this but I’ve been practicing saying well, I actually really love when I get to of my inbox and really likes
Of problems, right or I love talking to my team on Monday morning and making sure everyone had a great weekend and you know, seeing if they need anything for me and I just enjoy being that person for them and I started really vert like out loud to myself saying and yes, I walk around my house talking to myself frequently, but I just said to myself out loud I get to do these things right like I get to do this I get to do that I think about the other benefits and perks to my job that I worked really hard to get to.
That not everybody has which are really big, you know benefits for me, which is I get to be at home and my daughter is here and I get to see her in between working right or I’m flexible like I get to go to the gym when I want to go to the gym because it’s my business, right? So I feel like I start to just say all these things that are so incredible and I feel so fortunate about it and it really does start to sink in as this thing. We’re not only do I now not feel that anxiety at all on Sunday. Like I don’t it doesn’t even start to creep in but I actually get it.
Cited for waking up and working on my business like I get to create and grow and make money and grow with my team and work with Incredible people. And so my whole mindset is really just like shifted because I just made it such an intentional effort to stop those negative tracks eaten. I’m sorry those negative thoughts in their tracks and really move forward from them and move away from them, and it’s been so helpful, so I’ve tried it and I think you guys should too and just remember that.
Your situations in your life with negative things or with average results or mediocre results doesn’t actually make you feel any better. If you don’t get what you want to get. So really The Joke is on us and we really should move away from that because it doesn’t actually change anything for us. And if you say it out loud, you’re going to talk it into existence and you’ve got to let go of stress. You got to let go of grief. You got to let go of negativity and you got to hustle and replace all of that with hard work and you know, being kind and compassionate to other people thinking about other people before yourself.
And really kind of living your life in a way that says how can I make sure I’m serving myself in the best possible way and those around me and I really do feel like that’s part of the formula and I also realized something that none of this makes you guys feel any better or not. But when I am recording these podcasts, I realized that everything that I feel very compelled to talk about is the stuff that I really need to remind myself of right so I like to share the stuff that
I think it is going to help you guys because I made so many mistakes and I’ve dabbled in a lot of things and I have tried to learn from them. And that’s really where this outlet has come from and originated from and I’ve gotten such incredible feedback from so many people. I don’t even know which is really really exciting for me. But you know, so I’m glad to know and think and believe that this is really helping someone along the way somewhere even if it’s in a small way, but I really feel like the stuff that I feel just moves me in and makes me
I got to go record a podcast on this is really just a reminder to myself of the things. I need to hear over and over again, right? I need to hear I need to tell myself this I have to say Daffnee don’t be negative like Daffnee make sure you work hard Daffnee be kind to other people like I have to hear it over and over again. So I want to say that because I don’t ever want anyone to think that I’m kind of sitting over here on my Throne like preaching at people for how they should do things better. It’s really comes from all of the shit that I see when I look in the mirror every day, and I’m like, alright, we got to work on that.
Girl because it’s not working. It’s not cute right now. So homework is go and think about the one thing that starts to give you those those yucky feelings that that stress that anxiety that worry and start to say the opposite and say big shit say big dreams they big goals they big outcomes and it’s okay if it doesn’t work out that way no one’s going to get injured from it and start to see how things change for you and start to change that mindset and I think you guys will see some really really great results.