- We’re scared to set goals because we’re afraid of failing. We don’t want to say it out loud or tell people in our circles because what if it doesn’t work out?
- If we can truly accept the process and the outcome EVEN if it doesn’t go as planned, it becomes less scary. Are you end result oriented or are you journey oriented?
- Learn how to stop being scared of what may happen, and dive in.
Links & Currently Reading
I love dark reads guys. This book is RIVETING. If you’re interested at all in why North Korea is a total human rights dumpster fire, you should read this. And you should care by the way. Not only is it an opportunity to learn about other countries RIGHT HERE on earth with us, but it’s also an opportunity to practice some more gratitude. Our lives are SOLID.
**This is a direct transcription of the podcast and is not meant to read perfectly.
Hi everybody. Welcome back to another episode of better with Daphne. I hope everybody is doing well. I hope 2021 has been treating everybody much better than 20/20 did today. I am talking about something that I personally very recently like yesterday all the time have struggled with and really kind of wanted to pick apart and also sometimes I really just love when I record a podcast and put it out there and I get messages from people.
Like oh my gosh. I thought I was the only one that felt this way or you know, so relatable and it just it’s nice to not feel like you’re the only person feeling a certain way especially if it’s not the most positive feeling. So you guys know that I’m a business owner and entrepreneur always looking for ways to make money hustle. That’s who I am. It’s what I do, you know, I also teach Zumba and I just, you know, I feel like the kind of person that I am and I know a lot of you are this way also is you know, you set goals
for yourself, you’re always looking for ways to improve. I mean that’s kind of a whole premise of this podcast is how we can be better and I think sometimes especially my personality. I’m mistake that act of being better with doing more which is not necessarily how that works. Sometimes less is more sometimes Simplicity is better. But anyway, so the last couple of weeks I was feeling really really really anxious and kind of had like this heavy feeling in my chest.
About work and my business and you know, it’s not easy, you know, people say really nice and kind things all the time. Like wow, it’s so awesome. We have a business and you probably don’t have a lot of freedom in this and that and yeah, I mean, there’s obviously so many Pros to being a business owner whether you’re a small business owner or medium business owner, whether you’re solo whether you have a whole team of people, I mean, it’s there’s pros that are you know undeniably amazing, but it’s also extremely stressful. It’s
that you never stop thinking about especially if it’s your livelihood and I can say that you know, I definitely fall into that box. I mean my marketing business is it’s everything. I mean, it’s my bread and butter. I’ve been working on it for a decade. I take it very seriously. I have a team of people that work with me who I care about greatly. I care about my clients and you know and in ways that I never thought I would care about people I’ve never met and so it just comes with a lot of pressure right to always perform to continue to do better to keep learning to keep people.
Fee to keep people feeling challenged. It’s a lot, you know, it’s really stressful and I was feeling very stressed about it all for maybe some reasons that were legitimate and others that I probably just created in my head. But either way I was kind of wondering to myself, you know, as I was trying to this trying to get rid of the heavy feeling. I was trying to feel better. I was trying to not feel so stressed.
And I found myself saying things that I normally find Solace and so saying things to myself like, you know, what whatever happens you’re healthy. You have a healthy beautiful daughter. You have a husband that loves you you have friends, who care about you. You have a roof over your head, you know, kind of some of the things that I always go back to you because I think that it’s really really really important to always be grateful for even the most basic things. I think if we all did that we would feel better, but I also found myself saying sometimes that’s not enough.
and I struggle with and this is really the whole premise of this particular episode is I struggle with being content with what I have so that I don’t feel so anxious and I don’t feel like I’m being so hard on myself with the other side of this really thin line, which is how do I continue to set really ambitious goals and achieve more and be better while also being content and happy
It almost feels like an oxymoron to me, you know where it’s like, well, you can’t be content and then still be looking at other, you know on the other side of the fence or thinking the grass looks Greener elsewhere and you can’t be you know, ready to kick ass and you know set these crazy goals and accomplish stuff and just be content with where you are. And I think the problem is that it doesn’t have to be one or the other at least for me is what I’m realizing so it doesn’t have to be one or the other and in fact, I think that’s probably not sustainable, especially if
You are the kind of person that likes to achieve right and likes to do more and take on more but I think it’s really about finding a way to practice being content while you’re working towards something bigger and that I mean, I’ll say this right off the bat is like that’s super super hard for me. I’m just a very black and white person. This is my personality. I’m I’m I’m in or I’m not I’m a hundred and fifty percent or m0. I never do anything between I’ve never been that way. I don’t know how to explain it.
I was just born like that in some situations very good for me and others really not so good for me. So, you know, I think that this is kind of the line that I’ve been walking really just I think is as far as like my business life goes and my professional life or my career, you know, I struggle with where I fall on that line and how to kind of walk with you know with my toe dipped in both sides. Like I just don’t I struggle and I find that like when work does get more stressful I tend to like run to the side of like
Okay, but everything’s okay and I have all this you know, I have all this stuff to be grateful for and things are okay and they’re going to be okay. Like I run so drastically to the other side of that Spectrum when I start to feel stressed and I realize that like instead of doing that I probably need to go into more of like a problem-solving mode versus like a I’m going to like hide underneath my bed and like just hug my stuffed animals because I you know, I’m okay and everything’s okay and I have things and it’s fine because that’s not really productive and I feel like it’s just a fight or flight reaction.
Shinto to pushing off things I-80 right? So I think that that’s what I’m trying to practice more because even though I feel like I just said it out loud. I it’s really really hard still and I haven’t mastered it by any stretch but I’m working on it. So, you know, I think if if there’s something that’s being you know causing stress or a source of stress for you writing it out and really saying like, how can I address the issue here? Right. Like how can I solve a problem versus trying to sing?
like back into things that you might feel like, you know might make you feel better temporarily and you know, I don’t want to say you should forget about those things because I think they matter but I think that the problem is that we just go we don’t come at it from a proactive perspective and I think sometimes too it’s like at least for me the problem is like I feel like when I’m content or when I try and be in that space I do feel less stressed, but it’s very temporary like it’s not very sustainable and then when I’m saying
You know, I’m going to go all-in. I’m going to like set these really ambitious goals. Like I’m going to do this and this and this and it’s going to help me Excel or you know, and it doesn’t even have to be with business. So like it could be with like a fitness or a health goal. Right like you want to lose weight. Maybe you are trying to get eight hours of sleep every night. Maybe you’re trying to cut down to one cup of coffee a day or have less sugar whatever it might be like setting those really ambitious goals can be really motivating and obviously the more ambitious. The goal is the more rewarding it is when you achieve it but I feel like those extremes are what
Tend to be less sustainable and I feel like that matters more than having a really good week or two weeks or month versus having a really good year. So I’m practicing right now trying to not be so extreme on either end because I’m finding that that’s not sustainable and really kind of living in a way where I feel like I’m doing both really well and I’m working hard, but I’m not really killing myself over it, you know, and I realized too that I think maybe part of this is just kind of being a woman and
And you know, I’m A working woman. I my own a business. I do multiple jobs and I you know, I have a child and I’m a wife and you know, there’s so many things that I do there’s a lot of hats that I wear and so I do kind of feel like I’m always wondering if I’m doing enough especially when it comes to the other people in my life because I don’t want to let them down and you know, if I let them down then I also feel like I let myself down and you know, all of that just builds up really fast and easily unfortunately and I think that’s why I tend to be so extreme with like the goals I set for
Myself, whether it’s with health and fitness or my business or you know, even something as simple as doing something in the house, right? Like okay. I’m going to organize that drawer this weekend like no matter what I do. It’s like I’ve been putting it off for two years. I’m going to do it or you know, I have a mountain of laundry that you have to do. I mean, it can be something as simple as that but you know, it’s like why do we go so extreme with saying like, well, I’m not going to do that pile of laundry because I have other stuff to wear and then a month later you’re like, oh this is like stressful now because it’s just sitting there staring at me and I have to do it.
So one of the things that I also was thinking about and kind of asking myself is like why when I go to that extreme of you know, setting really crazy goals or having really high expectations for myself, which I think is, you know, the conversation of expectations is a whole other show that I definitely want to do because you know, and I’ll say this again because I know a lot of you know this but I’m a huge huge advocate of therapy I go to therapy really regularly and I have for a long time and you know, that’s one of the things that I’ve learned in therapy.
One of the most beneficial things I’ve learned is that I my expectations for myself and other people are absolutely outrageous because that’s just my childhood and how I grew up like that was how I protected myself was was just being outrageous realistically. I mean just being really crazy with my expectations for myself and that’s where perfectionism comes from and that’s where disappointment comes from when you’re constantly expecting expecting expecting from yourself and other people in a way that’s unrealistic and your letdown and
So when I think about like setting these really ambitious goals are trying to accomplish something. That’s really challenging. I realized that part of that is that I’m setting these really high expectations because I feel like that’s how hard I have to work to deserve something good. And you know, I think we have a hard time defining what is enough. You know, like how do you say okay and I have enough or I am content with continuing to work hard and I think that’s really challenging and I you know, some of the things that I ask myself is, you know, does this make me happy?
My happy does some doing something or not doing something bring me stress or worry or angst or whatever. Am I being authentic? Like am I feeling like I’m sacrificing who I am or what I believe in or any of those things to do to get more her accomplish more am I being kind to people and so I find myself sometimes saying like, you know, what if I’m if I’m starting to see myself in a way that I don’t like then it means I’m doing too much. It means my expectations are unrealistic. It means that I’m not being
honest with how I can achieve the things that I want to achieve and maybe I’m not being realistic about what I want to achieve and that’s okay too. You know, it’s not that doesn’t mean that it’s a fail so, you know at this obviously you guys are probably like what you just sit down and think about all this. Well, yeah, it’s actually in the shower that’s like my place then of the day I’m like don’t mess with me. I’m thinking about all this kind of shit and I’m like, how can I podcast about it? So anyway, I think thinking about it definitely made me feel better and I’m hoping that some of you guys can relate to this as well.
It feels it feels relatable and it feels like it’s not something that’s so foreign. You know just kind of always walking this line of like, you know, it’s okay to have a weekend where you just watch Netflix, but it’s also important that you take care of your body and exercise, you know, I mean, we’re grown-ups now and it’s time to take responsibility for the things that matter in our lives. So I also want to go back into why it can be stressful to set goals because I feel like that in itself sounds
it’s it shouldn’t be stressful like setting goals is a positive thing being ambitious as a positive thing working hard as a positive thing. One of my biggest pet peeves is laziness. Like I just I don’t do it. I don’t I don’t do it. I don’t deal with it’s not in my house. It’s not in my life. Like I there’s no one will ever convince me that hard work is not a good thing now. Do I believe that? We all need to be working a million hours a week not seeing our family not taking care of ourselves in order to be successful. No, I believe in working smart.
I believe in working efficiently, I believe in self care for sure. But just because you work hard doesn’t mean it has to be back breaking. It doesn’t necessarily mean it has to take up your entire life. So I just want to you know clarify that but say that but you know, I think one of the reasons that being ambitious can be stressful and deciding that you want to push harder and not stay and you know, your bubble of content is because usually when you’re setting goals or when you’re trying to achieve something you’re outside your comfort zone, right? I mean that’s
The kind of in my mind almost the definition of that like if I make a thousand dollars a week and I want to make $2,000 a week, you know what I mean? Then all of a sudden I am outside my comfort zone because I don’t have that right now and I have to figure out how to get there and I have to do things differently and that’s stressful and that’s scary and I think sometimes we think if we say these things out loud, even if we think them even if we don’t say it out loud in this I think is so huge even if we just think it in our brain
That you say to yourself like I want to make double what I’m making right now, like that’s scary because you’ve now said something to yourself that could potentially go completely backwards. It can potentially never happen. It could potentially not work. It could potentially take a really long time, you know, and so that’s really scary because we get embarrassed we have egos we have pride. We don’t want to feel silly we don’t want to be embarrassed. We don’t want to feel like we messed up and that is really really scary for us because again when you’re comfortable or when
You know content with where you are. That’s partly why because you don’t worry about any of those feelings. So I think about that too. You know, I feel like when I’m you know, again walking that line of I’m okay where I am. I’m happy where I am, but I also want to I want more I want to achieve more. I want to grow my team and want more clients. I want to make more money and more freedom, you know, whatever that looks like. I’m now saying things out loud that could potentially not happen and it’s really on me and so that’s very scary. But I think one of the things that we have to be more comfortable with and this is
so so so so important is we can’t fear setting goals and Achieve and working towards something really big without being okay with whatever the outcome is, right? So we’ll just use the money example again because I know that such a huge topic for people is just being more financially stable or you know, having more Financial Freedom is you can’t be afraid of saying I want to double my revenue or I want to make more money or I want to ask for a raise or whatever or I want the promotion that’s going to get me more money.
Without saying to myself too, but if it doesn’t happen right now, I know that I didn’t fail, you know, and as long as I know that I did my best because that’s all we can ever do ever all of us all the time. By the way is literally that’s all we can offer is our best. But if you are okay with the fact that you know, everything does happen for a reason timing is a real thing, you know, things are meant to teach us lessons and if you’re okay with that and say, you know, I’m going to
For this but I’m also okay with how I get there and I’m okay without come right now and it’s not going to mean that I failed and it’s not going to mean that I quit. I’m just going to take a different path It all becomes a lot less scary, you know, and I’ve learned this so much there’s so many instances where I just didn’t believe in myself or I didn’t say things out loud because I didn’t want to be embarrassed. I’m a perfectionist people look at me and say nice things not mean things, you know, and I’ve worked really hard for that and sometimes I even feel like I was not really
Being authentic to myself because I wanted to say these things and I’ve just learned that at the end of the day, even if I fail a hundred times before I don’t fail. It’s okay. I mean, I nothing’s changed. Like I don’t you know, I still wake up in the morning. I’m still me. I still have a lot to be grateful for like it’s really not terrible to fail and I think we all need to fail sometimes but I think that’s I think that’s part of why we choose to stay content versus pushing harder because we’re afraid of that outcome. So I would encourage you guys to also practice not being so
Scared of what happens if you fail if you don’t get it if it doesn’t work for you if it doesn’t happen right now, whatever that might be and verbalize it more. You know, I mean, that’s that’s you know, I know I’ve said this before too but I believe in thinking and saying we want to see happen for us, you know, and that’s how it happens now saying something and then kind of justifying it or professing it or making some sort of excuse. I mean that’s not effective. That’s actually not verbalizing it that’s you’re really just kind of saying I’m going to just like back.
Back out of this actually because this is like probably not going to work out for me. And I think it’s there’s so much power in saying like, yes, it will. Yes, it will. I mean seriously, okay, I’ll just give you an example like this is I feel like you could apply this type of scenario to anything and say I got you know, I interviewed for a job. I really want this job. It’s better hours. It’s better pay its better benefits, whatever its work from home and I’m going to find out tomorrow and I know I did. Well, I know I’m going to get it I crush the interview. I’m qualified. I’m excited. I know I’m going to get it. I’m gonna get it and the next day comes
You don’t get it and you’ve told your friends about it or you’ve told your you know, your significant other about it or whatever and you have to sit with that. You have to sit with that. Right and you are potentially feeling embarrassed you let someone down you let yourself down. It’s a failure. I can’t play this didn’t happen for me. I can’t believe I said it out loud. Oh, I learned my lesson. I’m definitely never going to say these things out loud again. Like that’s that’s what happens. Right? And instead of going down that route. Why don’t we say something like you know what? I really I really believed in myself.
Self but this wasn’t the right time for me and I am going to work harder now and I’m going to keep my eyes open. I’m going to keep my options open and it wasn’t meant for me. And this is a lesson for me to learn that even when I feel really confident about something. It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t meant for me ever. It just means it wasn’t meant for me right now. And I feel like if we can I mean to be honest, this is a very grown-up thing. I think this is a very grown-up way to think and I don’t always do it. So just so you guys know but I think if we could do that more if we could
Practice that more I mean wow how less how much less scary would this be like how much less scary would everything be I’ll give you another example, I did a CrossFit competition and I was like, I want to place in the top three like no matter what I’m going to work my butt off and I didn’t I place like top 10 very not what I was planning for and I was saying it out loud and I was bragging about this and I was training and this and that and I didn’t work out and guess what? So what who cares? Okay. Now I know I have to do things differently if I wanted to get a different outcome.
Like I wasn’t embarrassed by it because I know that I really did try my hardest and it’s not something to be ashamed of like I think we’re in a society where don’t say it unless you know, what’s going to happen and it’s like why that’s so stupid. It should be the total other way around it should be say it so it happens and if it doesn’t, okay, no one’s judging you for that, you know, and and I think also it goes both ways. You can’t judge other people for that. So if anybody tells you these things or if they’re telling you that they’re you know looking at a job or well, you know looking
Workout and you know complex this or whatever like you should say like, you know what you got it you’re going to you’re going to do it. It’s going to be great for you. And if it doesn’t go the way you want it to that’s okay too. You know, we have to put that out there as well if we want it to be received from us as well that way and we have to it has to go both ways. So the last thing I just want to say briefly is, you know, one thing that I that I come back to you and then I asked myself is you know, when I’m deciding I want to set ambitious goals. I want to
complex something I want to do something. You know, how can I sit with myself if it doesn’t happen for me and that is really that’s been very helpful for me and Powerful for me to say and really work through. I think the potential that it doesn’t right. So I’m not going to sit here and say like, oh, they probably won’t happen for me even though I wanted to or yeah, I’m trying to do this. But you know, I don’t know if it’s going to happen for me. I don’t do that. I definitely say absolutely this is going to happen for me. I don’t care what anybody says it’s going to happen for me. I’m going to work towards this. I’m going to accomplish this.
I’m going to achieve this but I like to also say to myself and if it doesn’t go that way or if things change or if it happens for me later rather than sooner, how can I sit with myself and be okay, how can I sit with myself? Nobody else and say I’m not a failure. I’m still proud of myself. I’m still a good person. I still have so much to offer and what I find is I almost I almost go through the grieving process first, and it’s helped me so significantly to not
Be scared of setting really ambitious goals, and it’s helped me to not worry about what other people are going to say. It’s helped me to not worry about failing and it’s actually really helped me be more confident about the confident about the things that I’m saying to myself. I actually believe them because I’ve already gone through all the possibilities. So I would encourage you to do the same, you know sit and ask yourself. What what am I going to feel if this doesn’t go this way? How am I going to be disappointed? Can I let that go? Can I still be proud of all the other things?
That I’ve put into this, you know, I really do believe that any time we put effort forward there. It’s never a failure. There’s always something positive in that and there’s always something to be learned and that for me is really really really powerful. So I would just encourage you guys if you’re feeling anxious or stressed about stuff.
Whatever it might be to you know, sit down and ask yourself how you can continue to move forward without being complacent and you know continuing to be really grateful for all of the things that you have and all the things that you’ve achieved but never settle, you know, and keep moving forward because we are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for and I really those to me are some of the truest words that I’ve ever heard. I mean we underestimate ourselves so much because people tell us to because the world tells us to because
Competitive because it’s hard because we believe that there isn’t enough, you know, like scarcity is it’s huge. It’s the wrong mindset, you know, there is so much out there for you whether it’s money or jobs or Fitness or health or friends or family or love or whatever. It might be there is more than enough out there for everybody and I hope that you guys can find your way to that and I hope that you can do it in a way that doesn’t bring you a lot of stress stress and anxiousness and really makes you feel empowered as much as possible.