Take the Damn Compliment

The Scoop 

• Stop saying the word blessed. Yes, it’s a pet peeve. But you are not just luckily graced by the universe or God for all of the great things that happen to you. Take some credit. 
• Deflecting from compliments or not accepting them gracefully is a reflection of insecurity. One we all share. 
• Not accepting a compliment implies we don’t deserve it. Girl. You deserve it more than anyone and you know it. Own it. 
• Find out why we don’t accept compliments, why they make us uncomfortable, and how we can OWN that shit. 

 

Links & Currently Reading 

Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate

 

Transcription

**This is a direct transcription of the podcast and is not meant to read perfectly. 

Wild a few have the best in the class I’ve ever taken.

 

Wow, Daffy, so great that you’ve built your own business.

 

That I love your podcast resonates with me so much.

 

My response to all these things awkward diminish deny change the subject hide awkward. Yep. We’re talking about accepting compliments something that I know from my experiences and the conversations I’ve had with friends is something that I think a lot of women men too, but women especially tend to struggle with as simple as it sounds I think in moments of praise ER trained and taught and honestly for lack of a better word brainwashed to believe that we need to be humble and stay grounded and not Thrive and accepting compliments and praise because it’s just not what we do and it’s something that I have tossed and turned over in my head for years and years and years honestly as far back as I can remember I’ve struggled with this and I never feel good about it after the exchange is over. I always feel kind of yucky and a little embarrassed.

 

And in some situations, I just feel dumb like why can’t I accept a compliment? I don’t understand. So I wanted to take one step back and share with you guys where I get some of the inspiration for my shows from so in all transparency. You guys know I’m all about being honest and transparent hair on my show. I find a lot of my inspiration not just from the things that happen in my life, but from books, I read you guys know, I’m a huge Bookworm love to read and I find a lot of inspiration.

 

Operation and ideas from different authors different books. I read different articles. I read and when I come across something that really inspires me and especially it just feels very relatable. I tried to sit with it and apply it to my own life and think about my own experiences and you know related to I think things that are relevant for you know our generation and that happened to me last night actually, so I’m reading a book right now. And I’m going to go into a little bit more detail about the book in a little bit but it’s called the year of yes by Shonda Rhimes and you guys might know her name because she is the brilliant brilliant brilliant brain behind shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal and how to get away with murder. She’s man talk about just talk about a badass. She is incredible. So this book was sitting on my nightstand for a little bit along with 500 of your books and I decided to read it.

 

And it is life-changing. I I can’t recommend it enough. I mean it doesn’t matter who you are where you are in your life. This book is a game changer. It is so good. Like please just go read it pause this podcast. I’m telling you to pause go by the book. It’s so good. Okay, so reading this book and she has this whole section on accepting compliments and I can’t tell you guys enough when moments like this happen for me when I read. It’s I feel like it’s magical literally I like there’s some like Dumbledore person in the sky like waiting along that me because it’s just out of all the books. I read and I go through at least a book a week. I realized a lot of words. I read a lot of sentences. I really love ideas and stories and there’s just every now and then something I read that just never leaves my brain. It’s like printed on there. Okay, I’ve said that before about a few other things and this was one of those moments actually a lot of things from her book were one of those moments. So just that’s why it’s so great. So she’s talking about accepting.

 

Compliments and I felt like she was writing a letter to me as her friend. I felt like she was talking to me because it was the most relatable thing I’ve ever read. I mean it was like did I write this and not even trying to steal her Thunder because she’s such an incredible writer, but it just felt like it was my my story. So I was like I have to podcast on this I have to talk about this. I know for a fact I’m not the only person who deals with this or experiences this oh

 

I believe that when we receive compliments and again, some of you guys are so good at this and I praise you. Okay, I think they will receive compliments. We feel instantly and at least I do I feel like backed into a corner but it’s that’s my own brain. Right? Like no one’s aggressively complimenting me away. That’s mean maybe maybe sometimes I get a passive-aggressive one, but 99% of the time like it’s an honest genuine kind thing or praise that somebody wants to get me.

 

Instantly feel like I have to almost prove them wrong or negate it or diminish it right? Like I don’t know. I mean, I think it’s nothing right like that’s like my favorite thing to say. Oh, I mean, yeah, I’m just you know, it’s just it’s not a big deal. It’s like whatever and I do it with everything I get so kindly I get compliments about my Zumba class from all the great people that take my class. I’ve gotten many compliments over, you know about my business and what I created and I get compliments about just random things. I mean you guys probably got a number

 

Jillian as well about like wow that dress looks great on you or wow. Did you lose weight or you look really healthy? I mean God, whatever it is, right? Like did you do your makeup differently? It looks great. And I feel like I have just never ever ever been the person to just own the compliment. Thank you and walk the fuck away. Like I’ve never ever done that ever and Shonda Rhimes in her in her book.

 

Talks about this exact thing and says her challenged herself was to just say thank you and smile and say nothing else do not try to qualify or explain or diminish the complement and I was like uncomfortable reading it because I’m like, I have never done that and I never can do that. Like I will never do that. Like I’m always going to try to explain it. And that’s what I do. I over explain it as if that’s first of all what the person even is have no one wants to hear.

 

Hear my explanation. That’s not what they said. Let’s not why they said that that’s stupid and try to diminish which she made such a good point. So when someone gives you a compliment and you can imagine when you have given someone else a compliment and they try to negate it or diminish it it’s almost as if they are telling you that you’re wrong and what you said. It’s like how deaf love your Zumba class. It’s so good. Now my problem, you know, whatever it’s whatever and they’re like, well no, like that’s that’s how I feel about it. Like what am I who am I to tell them that they’re not right and what they’re saying, so there’s so many

 

Layers to this and I just realized that I over time. So this is like my own deduction from this little story and Shonda Rhimes book Europeans, right? So this is what Daphne came up with and it’s it’s a tie confused humble right like being humble, which I really always try to stay as humble as possible because I think it’s a good thing to be humble and I appreciate being humble and I like to think about opportunities that I’ve been presented with that could have gone one way or the other based on my decisions, right and like for me that is part of being home.

 

I was like choosing to acknowledge that like I made good decisions and I also made bad ones and that all of them were something I learned from and I’ve confused humble with the idea of just accepting a compliment graciously and honestly just being proud of whatever it is that they’re complimenting me on and I’ve taken that concept and I have run with it far far and fast like Usain Bolt run. Okay, like I mobile I mumble I’m being humble.

 

Got to be humble. Got to be kind got to be fragile. Kind of be small. Don’t take up too much space. Don’t be too loud. All of these things that Society tells us. We are not supposed to be right. I packaged all of that and I own that thing and I carried around in my person time. So instead of owning it saying thank you smiling or even God forbid and go here saying something like yeah. I worked really hard on it. That’s why you like my class because I put in a lot of time and effort. I mean like God forbid.

 

Did I say something to further kind of explain which probably maybe you shouldn’t do that either but like to just really own why I deserve a compliment right like God forbid that ever happened. So I’m reading this and I’m just like light bulbs are going off left and right and this is my new challenge. Like I am so doing this I encourage you guys to do this to say thank you and then shut off like just stop so say anything else and you’re probably going to feel uncomfortable if you struggle with this like I

 

And that’s okay because guess what that’s when good things happen when you are uncomfortable and when you are outside your comfort zone, that’s when good shit happens. I believe that real strongly. Okay. So that’s my new thing. I’m going to do that regardless of what someone compliments me on I’m going to just say thank you and I’m not going to try and explain it and and that actually is on my list by the way of other podcasts. I want to create which is over-explaining and the whole concept of like thinking before you speak right? So I feel like

 

Like that’s something that we’ve also taken and run with so that’s coming. So just stay tuned for that because there’s there’s a difference between being strategic and wise and making sure you’re not saying something hurtful and like totally shutting up because you think that you’re going to over speaker overthink and you’re going to over explain yourself, which is not a good thing to do and women do this. So incredibly often it’s disgusting. So we’re going to cover that. So my goal right now is accept the compliment. It is to be gracious about it.

 

Move on. I don’t need to explain to anybody anything. I don’t need to send someone else motivational words about it. I don’t need to say like well you could do it to it doesn’t matter. That’s not the point of the compliment right now in this one second of complementary time and happiness. I am getting a compliment on going to receive it. Okay, and that’s that is that and I’m telling you now just talking about is making me sweat. I’m uncomfortable, but I’m going to do it because I need to do it and it’s just a good thing to do in a good way to be and also I always bring this back now that I have a child and even just

 

for the people around me and myself like what kind of example do I set when I can never accept a compliment. How am I going to build my daughter up to be confident strong intelligent and outspoken in all the right ways. If I can’t even just accept a compliment like what kind of example does that set for her that for me was a moment where I’m like this isn’t even optional anymore. I have to develop here. I have to grow because I’m a little I’m a little just like stunted right and so I felt so compelled.

 

Read I read this part like five times because that’s my God. This is so good. So so so good. It was just it was like really life-changing and I can’t recommend. I know I’ve said this 27 times, but I can’t recommend it enough. I really want you guys to check this book out. It’s just so it’s just so damn good and I really want to also point something else out. Just kind of about the whole accepting of compliment and and why I think we tend to over explain

 

So I noticed this about myself as well aside from the whole being humble thing. I feel like we don’t we just don’t feel like we should take enough credit for what we do and there’s like this idea that floats around and also to the are of probably people who say things like this which I think are really terrible. But when people try to use the word look and like throw out like, oh, well, you’re so lucky and like wow, this is you know,

 

Well that just like really worked out well for you and I feel like we tried this line between like well these things happen to me and or I got lucky or I’m so blessed. We love to use the word blessed guys. I like the word blessed to I do use it sometimes I do I do feel fortunate. I feel like I put out good things. And so those things come back to me in some way shape or form and importantly I don’t do them to receive them back. I do them because I know it’s the right thing to do. So there’s a big difference there.

 

But we’re not just all blessed because we had worked hard or vice versa right? I’m not blessed with a great business. I worked my ass off. Okay big difference here. This is a whole other podcast that’s coming to I don’t want to tell you to not use the word blessed. I think use it all day if you want to but I want you to own all the shit that you had to put in to wear. Whatever it is that you have now that works for you. Okay. Is there some air?

 

And of things that played out well for you. Yeah, I believe that I totally believe that I mean everything that happened to me all of my circumstances that I didn’t have control over obviously played out in a while that in a way that I feel very grateful for and how do I explain those things? You know, I can’t explain the things that happened to me that I didn’t have control over and the situation I was born into or that I wasn’t born into and so I do feel like there’s this like mystical element of like faith and maybe it’s, you know a spiritual thing for you and

 

And that’s totally fair and I want you to own that too, but do not attribute your hard work and all of the stuff that you have had to problem solve and all the nights. You have to stay up and all the stress you had to deal with and all the juggling you’ve had to do and everything that’s gone into where you are today that you are proud of to being blessed. Okay. It’s not about being blessed. It’s called being a badass. So Ona own it. I mean, I don’t know how else to say that so

 

I always kind of revert to this like oh my God, I just, you know amazing. The class is fun. Thanks for coming. It’s you know, it is what it is like whatever and I’m like no I do how many hours of my life hours and hours and hours. I put in to my Zumba class that I do not get paid for. Okay listening to songs finding the right songs. Once you find the song actually we should just talk about this because everyone asks me this I find songs all kind of random places Spotify list Pandora because

 

Send them to me whatever and I have to listen to it literally 3427 times because I have to memorize it and then I have to make the routine which don’t even we don’t even want to go into how long that it takes. Right. So there is so much work and effort and strategic thinking that I put in to make sure that I pick a great song and that the routine is fun and it’s challenging but not too hard, but I can do this and can it be modified for people with bad knees at all that shit that I have to think about right? I put in so much time and this is time that I’m not spending.

 

Husband or my child’s this is time that I’m not building like this – this is time that I’m not making money. This is time that I’m not reading a book like this is time that I have chosen to put in because I love Zumba genuinely. Honestly, it’s a passion of mine. I enjoy teaching so much. I enjoy my classes so much but it is a result of extremely hard work and time and dedication and sacrifice for other things. So when someone says to me allowed a few have the best in the class ever fuck. Yeah, I do. Thanks for

 

Coming have a great day. Like yep. That’s your right. Yes, it’s great because I try really hard. It’s not about being lucky and it’s not like, you know, you’re Mexican. You just have good Rhythm like no trick. I don’t actually I’m pretty freaking America now. Okay, and I had two left feet when I started doing zumba. Okay believe that so it’s not about luck. Okay, it’s not about being blessed. It’s about working your ass off. And so when you think about the things in your life that you are proud of in that way.

 

it all of a sudden makes accepting a compliment way easier, right it it makes

 

It just makes it that much more gratifying right? I’m not even after just talking about that out loud. I’m like excited for someone to give me a compliment. I think you and move on and I just can’t say enough how I feel like doing that if it makes you uncomfortable is going to make you so much better, which is the point of this podcast and what a great Habit to to be able to do that and to be able to own that and again, it doesn’t matter what it is. It doesn’t have to

 

See that you have a Fortune 500 company. It could just be that you like did your hair better? Like who cares what it is like who cares like you taught, you know, you figured out a way to teach your child how to do math better like who cares what it is. Like it’s all worthy. It’s all relevant. If you’re proud of it it fucking matters and when people compliment you just out of it and the only other thing I want to add to that is I do find and maybe you guys will agree with this that like with some people and in some situations

 

I tend to be way worse about it. And for some reason I feel like when it comes to my family, I for so loud cared so much about what they thought about me. And you know, I mean I still do obviously but not in the way that’s unhealthy I think but I cared way too much about like their perception of me and I always felt like I needed to prove myself. And so when I would receive a compliment from someone in my family it was it was like goat I like oh, it’s size. Whatever somebody like I don’t I just know like I just was like,

 

If I even for one second I try to own this like I’m just how comfortable like they’re going to judge me and that really for me is like kind of eye-opening like with some of my friends and stuff. I’m not quite as bad but something else that Shonda said in her book that I man. I just I literally laid in bed like Eyes Wide Open just turning this over in my head for like half an hour after I was done reading it is is this idea that we’re like scared or worried that somebody

 

Pollen are you listening? Okay, I’ve said it’s really important. I got to make sure you’re like 2 Min right now that was a test. We are worried or concerned or scared or fear that someone else is going to think that we think we are better than them. Okay, like again this idea of like having to be humble. So like someone says to me wow Daphne love your Zumba class, and I’m like, thank you. It is quite great, isn’t it? I’m concerned that.

 

That person who gave me that complement is going to say it will wow hockey arrogant rude like they dump these into herself, right? We carry this fear that that’s like what other people will think of us and I just need to like dissect this because like wow mind-blowing because truer words were never spoken. So first and foremost if somebody gives you a compliment and you own it, and they think that fuck them that’s stupid. They weren’t trying to give you a compliment. You don’t need that shit in your life. Okay? That’s the first thing.

 

The second thing is I can almost guarantee you that anybody in your life giving you an honest compliment would never think that and in fact would probably admire the way that you handled that because I can guarantee you that they probably are not that good and only compliments. So there you go. You just set a good example for somebody else without even meaning to while accepting a compliment like if that’s not winning. I don’t know what it is. So I want you to think about if you’ve ever felt that way because I know I have left and right.

 

And think about how absurdly insanely stupid and ridiculous. It is to think or worry that somebody is going to think I think I’m better than them in something. Yes. What I fucking am. Okay. I am better add Zumba then you that is my job. That is why I am here. That is why we are having this conversation. That is why I paid for a certification. That is why I spent hours practicing what like, how am I even having to explain this to myself that I am because like this,

 

My thinking I need you to know that I am better at you. I’m sorry that it makes sense. I am better at Zumba. Then you look at me not perfect. Okay, so figure it out, I am and maybe that will change one day and that’s fine. It’s not negative. It’s not a bad thing. Maybe you are better at teaching your child math and I will be teaching my child map. Maybe you are better at managing a team of people that I am like there’s so many things right and the

 

See thing is like why is that something scary? Why is that bad? Why are do we run away from that? Like we need to own that and I think if we build each other up and stop judging people and stop trying to be so one up e we would all be much better off because we would just be okay with the fact that like, you’re not the best at everything and that even if someone is better at something than you are you are better at something else then they are right like it’s so obvious but yet so far away and like unattainable for me. Sometimes if someone says to me

 

Well, I really want to start my own business. Like I think it’s great that you started yours. Like okay. Guess what? I’ve had my business for a long time. Right? Like I’ve made by billion mistakes. I am better at it right now than you are. But I’m here to help if you need help right? Like I it’s not about being arrogant and an asshole about it. Like you can be proud and own your shit and still be kind like for me if you have to think really hard about being kind like you probably have some other shit to work proved to be super honest with you. Like I can own my shit the I know that I always leave with

 

Tightness like I’m not worried about it. And if somebody says something like that to me, like I’m happy to give you some free advice. Like if you want it if you need it, like I’m not going to just do it at you. But if you want it, I’ll give it to you right but I don’t need to hide behind the fact that I am better at this than you are because I’m afraid that you’re going to think badly of me first and foremost. We should just clarify. I don’t really give a shit what other people think about me honestly at the end of the day. I am self-conscious about things. I do overthink things I do over explain things, but I got a

 

Loves me. I got a kid that loves me and I’m proud of who I am at the end of the day. So why in those moments I get so caught up in like what they’re going to think about me. I have no I have no idea. Maybe I’m not quite as confident as I would like to think I am but I believe about talking into existence. So there it is. So first and foremost who cares who cares if somebody thinks whatever they think about you like that’s fine you’re you know, tending to your own grass and like shitting on there’s isn’t going to make yours any Greener so so that’s fine and secondly,

 

Lee I really would like to believe that 90% of the time 99% of the time people are giving you an honest comment or supporting you like I

 

If I think about that that like most of the time people are trying to be kind to me. I’m not even going to worry about that. Second thing. I’m not going to worry that they’re going to think something badly of me. Like if I choose to like not see the negativity then the non negativity is not going to be there for me. Right? Like if I choose to not see a problem and ignore problems and don’t look for problems and like the columns are not going to appear and that’s like a real thing. So I just I felt like I just felt like that was so powerful and I just like needed to like vocalize that like who cares?

 

Cares, if someone thinks that you’re being arrogant about how you owned your compliment like stand up tall and own it. Like you deserve it. You worked hard. There’s a reason that they’re giving you the compliment and I can almost say with a lot of confidence that if you received a compliment or two about something you probably received a lot of them, which means is that something to be said about you right? If you want to know like what am I good at? What am I proud of what is something that I’m strong and think about what other people have said to you about it? It’s not it’s not a bad thing, you know, just so powerful to me. So we all have homework

 

Right get get out there collect your compliments. Like that’s your job. I just want you guys to think about the why behind some of these practice and learned and in grade things that we do and say and sometimes they’re really good and sometimes they’re not. Okay and this one is not one of those things. That’s good. It is good to own your shit. Do not confuse being humble with hiding behind the things that you have done to be proud of it’s not going to help you. It’s not going to benefit you and it is not going to build you up and make you

 

any stronger need some water or wine, but it’s 11. So I’ll wait. All right guys. Take care till next time.

 

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